Queer Poly Talk

Some things I’d like to preface this post with: 

1. These are my beliefs and values, this is not an attempt to convince others they should feel the same, I believe everyone should be free to cultivate a life of their own that is authentic to them, and the variety is what makes life beautiful and worth living.
2. This is not an invitation to post or DM lascivious messages to me.
3. If you have general questions about the practice of this relationship structure, please search the internet for resources using keywords “nonmonogamy” and “polyamory.” 

So apparently yesterday was a Day of Visibility for Nonmonogamy, which I was unaware of, but saw multiple friends yesterday that are fearless in their lives and openly posted their photos of them and their polyamorous (polyam) partners, it was so beautiful to see. I realized how little those relationships are recognized usually in a public forum because although I know many that are nonmonogamous, many aren’t open for fear of losing jobs, backlash from family or neighbors, and other concerns that just generally are uncomfortable and make life hard and take up a lot of spoons. Thanks to my friends I was inspired to finally fully come out because I have been non-monogamous most of my dating life, starting at age 16, and in my professional life I’m slowly starting to open the door to posting more content that is more inclusive to that lifestyle. 

I realized I was queer at 14, which was a hilarious 30 minute meltdown after waking up from a cute romantic dream about a girl I knew in high school, and once the fog of sleep wore off I began to panic realizing I had a very real crush on this person, and what this meant. However, at the end of this initial alarm, I remember sitting up in bed and just accepting this fact, that I was no longer the straight person I thought I was, and that was that. I’m grateful I was able to do so, because I’ve seen so many others really hurt and feel shame, and develop deep harm to their mental health because of it. Thanks to the beautiful brain I have, it decided we were just going to learn to love who we were, but it definitely had it’s challenges in suburban Ohio.

Around this same time I was developing romantic relationships, as much as one can at this age, which usually just involved passing notes and spending 5 minutes together at the end of the school day sneaking in a quick kiss before we all ran to catch our buses. I was curious a lot about relationships, and information on radio talk shows were abuzz about discussions around relationships, which often included discussions about cheating, with frequent statements like “I would totally go Lorena Bobbitt on him if he ever cheated!” as that was the era that happened and they were in court. Cutting off another one’s genitalia seemed a bit harsh of a punishment, and I asked myself how would I feel about cheating. This led me down a rabbit hole in my head trying to unravel this answer. 

I often do my “why?” test, asking myself “why?” a million times until I get to the root fear or reason so I can truly understand it. I did this with cheating, and this is a summary of how it went:

Would I be upset with cheating? Yes. 

Why? Because it would be against the agreement that we’re monogamous. 

Why are you monogamous? Because that means they love and respect you. 

Why does that show they love me? Because love means they respect me and are honest. I want to be best friends with the person I date. 

Why does monogamy show love and respect, when you’ve seen monogamous relationships be anything but already by the adults around you? 

Then it occurred to me with this response, what if they did tell me everything? Like a close friend would tell me about a new friend they made, if they had a crush on someone and they did something about it and told me, and otherwise didn’t say or do anything to hurt me or our relationship, would I be okay? If they still showed love and care for me, and little otherwise changed, would I be okay with it? After much reflection, my answer was yes, I’d be ok with it. This was the moment I realized I could be bisexual, still be authentic and me, still explore my sexuality and not have to choose one gender, and still be able to date multiple people. Easier said than done by far, it’s been 25 years and I’m still learning and growing individually and in my relationships.

So this is my coming out day as being polyamorous, meaning I can have romantic love for more than one person at a time. Sincere gratitude for my friends that did post yesterday to give me the courage to come out. It’s strange to me that I have been okay being openly queer yet afraid to be openly polyamorous. I think it’s the conundrum that to be accepted as queer by the normative people in society is to otherwise act as they would, just with someone of the same sex, but to further break the societal norms with being nonmonogamous is not. I’m too tired to keep this up, and I’ve hit the age I just don’t care if people disappear from my life, personally and professionally, for truly being who I am. 

From a professional standpoint, I’ve now seen multiple queer and/or nonmonogamous people as patients that I could tell were tiptoeing around the topic. When it comes to treating people, the patients come first and I leave my personal life out of it, but when I see this anxiety, I often come out to them, and the sense of appreciation and relief that washes over them is palpable, I can see their shoulders drop an inch and their overall affect lighten. I know all too well the feeling of not feeling safe and heard, especially in the medical system. My people need to know there are healthcare providers out there that know and understand their life, so I hope they find me. 

I’m not posting photos with my partners because not all of them are fully out, and I want to respect their privacy. At nearly 42 years old, I feel like I’m finally hitting my stride and living my most authentic and fulfilling life. Where you live really matters, and how things are moving backwards with rights and acceptance of others in my home state Ohio and many of the states in the USA is heartbreaking, so even more reason that we need to be out and proud if we have the privilege to be able to do so relatively safely. To those of you reading this that don’t feel safe now, slowly take the steps, even if it takes decades, to get to a safe location and situation with your relationships. I promise you, it gets better. 

I’m hoping to post more often to this blog and my related social media pages to educate, rant, and maybe one day offer professional services such as sex education and relationship coaching. Until then, stay safe and if you’re curious about polyamory, go look up all the amazing creators, coaches, books, and other resources out there to learn more about nonmonogamy and polyamory.